WOW! More stuff Matt! It’s no accident that “prolific” sounds a lot like “pathetic” .
I’m doing a weekly parody column for Post Advertising under the alias of Tom Heathcliff (taking the piss out of Ad Age’s Bob Garfield. Get it???) See them all here.

So, crime stoppers, here are all my sites:

THE LAME TRAIN
THE DAILY DUH
TOM HEATHCLIFF, AD CRITIC

Fans of brandspankin (all 3 of you, including my mother) will be pleased to know that I got off my lazy ass and created a new site, THE LAME TRAIN, featuring a daily lame thing as determined by me and my much-loved companions.

There is also THE DAILY DUH, which are brief, meaningful essays on dumb, meaningless things and are written by my moronic alter-ego. Enjoy and visit often!!

Coming from someone who had a wee acne problem back in the day, I’d like to see more creative ads from the pimple cream racket (the stuff doesn’t work at all; in fact I’m convinced it makes it worse so they sell more.) The Copulator helped w this one.

Poor NY state - totally upstaged by that chip of an island on its toe. This was inspired by a wedding I attended in central NY and a comment by my friend Tim. PS: sorry for the weak posting schedule. Busy with summertime work and play. Will resume by-weekly sched in September!

Thanks to Copulator for the image. Ten points to whoever can name the movie that inspired the headline.

Ads for the iphone are everything it is not: boring, unprovocative, expected. Chiat-Day (I think?) should do it justice and go for hyperbole. Not sure everyone’s gonna get this one, but I badly wanted to pay homage to my favorite movie, 2001: A Space Odyssey.

The demise street games was chronicled in last Sunday’s Times. All we can really hope for now is a stickball video game. (with apologies to Arthur Leipzig; “Stickball”, 1950)

How these guys are still in business is beyond me, but I guess some things in retail cannot be explained. They should use this to their benefit.

The “gold flakes” you embibe when pounding Goldschlager makes me wonder if you see them at the other end. Thanks to my man Priddy Boi for the art direction (his professional site is here.)

My 14 year old nephew and his pals love this stuff, and it occured to me that Axe’s main consumer isn’t the beefy, virile stud-muffins featured in their ads. Previously in Cologne

I’m kind of biting the dog of the hand that feeds me - lots of the images I use here are, uh, borrowed from Corbis - but this is kind of my way of thanking them! Thanks to the great Bob’s Detached Head, who has been quiet for way too long (I guess that’s how it goes when you’ve been severed.)

In the beverage world, people will buy anything that promises some sort of stupid benefit. For instance, I drink Vitamin Water’s “revive” for a hangover, even though it does next to nothing. Coke saw their clever little scam and last week rewarded them with a $4 billion purchase.

I hate these things with a passion! Pretty soon you’ll be able to get a bionic ear transplant (at a mall in Jersey, nonetheless) for “unfettered” wireless capability.

Whilst young couples frollic and engage in springtime dalliance, you’re at home scrubbing shit fossils from the toilet. But hey, this Fantastik is good stuff!

Talk about great moments in bad ad ideas - the beauty of clean intenstines? Nasty.  Read a critique of the campaign HERE. This entire brandspank comes courtesy of full time blogger and part-time zombie, BETTY NOIR.

Sorry people. I’m obviously running a little dry these days!

Today my friend at work uttered the wisdom, “first kisses begin with booze.” Well, at least the good ones do, and Jose Cuervo is the perfect brand to sponsor this truism.

I know Andy Coop is a good guy, but this image perfectly illustrates an overlooked truth - CNN = news by white people.

This one isn’t really a “spank” per se, but it dovetails with Femme Noir’s post regarding stinky breath being a turn-off.

My last post seemed anti-fat, so here’s one that’s pro. I’ll dedicate this one to my burger-aficionato pal Pinknest.

In the theme of my J Crew post, has anyone else noticed that the people who wear Champion apparel aren’t exectly champs, at least in the sporty sense of the word? Line was lifted directly from Range Rover’s dumb new campaign. Image find: Copeulator.

I love the dichotomy between the good times/hot sex spirits companies promise in their ads and the god-awful feeling you actually get the next day. As my birthday weekend approaches, I thought this was appropriate. Thanks again, Copulator.

Previously in booze: Absolute, Carlo Rossi, Grey Goose

Perhaps it’s this pseudo-spring weather or maybe it’s where I now live, but I’ve recently witnessed some horrific, ruin your day hair-do’s. Sassoon to the rescue?

Ever notice that the perviest people also happen to be snappy dressers? This kind of “lifestyle shot” would be an interesting tack for J Crew, whose catalogs are getting bland. Thanks to The Copulator and my reluctant model, RTS.

Monster’s unrealistic, overpromising ad campaigns should go a step further.

Once again, if they could they would.

Current events are just feeding brandspankin this week (get it? Feeding? Haw haw!) What I love about this one is the perfect irony in their tagline. Article HERE.
Huge thanks to super-designer Monica at Squarehand, who did the terrific Iams/Paul Frank logo morph.

oops! Looks like that wholesome banana company we know and love was paying drug pushing Columbian terrorists to protect its uber-profitable fields. Story here.

You might have seen this bumpin’ around the Interweb, but I just had to steal it as the Hoffster fits the food theme perfectly.

I think Jimmy Dean should alter their package design to assuage incredulous reactions to their strange product. Creative collaborator: the Copulator.

Someone recently told me I should wear cologne. Problem is, the existing products are for pretty boys and  narcissitc yum yums - at least that’s what comes across in the ads. They should come out with a fragrance that makes you smell bad-ass (as opposed to smell like bad ass). Now that’s something I could use!

You know Botox is just dying to use scare tactics for their ads.

My friend and fellow blogger Lori Magno did all of this one, and a big thanks goes out to her. Inspired by this disturbing story.

Normally I wouldn’t beat up on poor Michael, but the overrated Stella Artois should consider using him for their latest campaign, featuring below tag, as he traded his sanity for pop transcendence.

…to yet another city, for yet another job, which is to say this week might be slow in terms of posting. I’d like to take this opportunity to solicit some “user generated” content, or rather suggestions for brands/products that need a swift spankin, themes, etc. Anyone? Anyone?
Love ya!

Pardon the back-to-back “adult theme” posts. I must be feeling frisky!

I recently read that Germans are not so keen on using prophylactics (er, actually I just made that up). What a great opportunity for our good friends over at Trojan! Thanks Cathy for the spelling help.

Previously in condoms.

This was inspired by a job switch (I’m now doing ads for autos) and Ford’s “relaunch” of the snoozer Taurus.

This was inspired by a great story in today’s Times (article here). Thanks to the Copulator (image) and Bob’s Detached Head (line).

While everyone and their grandmother has done an Absolut parody, I just couldn’t resist imagining a campaign aimed at the kiddies where they passed on time-tested tricks and traditions.